Cruising the Magdalena: When I Finally Found My Sea Legs (Sort Of)

So, here’s the tea (or should I say… river water?). I finally did it — I went on a 7-day river cruise down the Magdalena River in Colombia, and let me just say, for someone who usually avoids ocean cruises like they’re a middle seat on a red-eye flight… this was a pleasant plot twist.

I’ve never been a huge fan of those massive floating cities they call ocean liners. You know — the ones with ten buffets, a zipline, and enough passengers to populate a small town. I prefer my travel experiences a little more personal, a little more peaceful, and a lot less “Lost at Sea” themed.

Enter: the Magdalena River Cruise.

From the moment I boarded, I knew this was going to be different. The atmosphere was cozy, intimate — like the “Cheers” version of cruising. By day two, everyone knew my name, my drink order, and that I still hadn’t figured out how to say “gracias” without sounding like a tourist from Texas.

And the smoothness of the ride? Oh, honey. If the ocean is a rollercoaster, this river was a Sunday drive. No Dramamine, no sudden lurches — just calm, glassy water carrying me from one charming Colombian town to the next. We stopped in seven different locations, and I got to dive into the local culture (or not — because some mornings, the spa robe won).

Now, let’s talk about the food — because priorities. Every night was a three-course, fine dining experience, complete with multiple options (including a vegetarian one, bless their plant-based hearts). It honestly felt like having my own private chef who somehow knew my love language was “seconds, please.”

The housekeeping staff? Impeccable. The entire crew? Angels. If they ever decide to open a “Magdalena Cruise Hospitality School,” I’d sign up just to learn how they kept everything so effortlessly elegant.

Now, was it all perfect? Almost. My only complaint — and it’s a small one — was that the river water wasn’t that dreamy deep ocean blue. You know, the kind that looks like it’s been filtered by heaven itself? The Magdalena has more of a mocha-chic hue. Let’s call it Colombian coffee brown — on brand, right?

In all, this was a 10/10 experience — relaxing, scenic, and surprisingly social. So if you’ve been hesitant about cruising because the thought of a 5,000-person floating mall gives you anxiety, try a river cruise. It’s chill, classy, and won’t leave you feeling like you need a nap and a lifeboat drill.

For anyone looking to experience this kind of voyage, my friends at Nomadic Travels LLC can plan it all — from your cabin to your coffee-colored river views. And, of course, don’t forget to pack all your travel must-haves from TheCleanVoyager.com, where hygiene meets haute travel.

Because even on the calmest of rivers, a Clean Voyager stays ready — and camera-ready.